not happy / not sad

I have spent
my entire life
learning to live
for someone else.
I would leap
when told to jump.
And I would beam
when told to smile.

I have spent
my entire life
searching for validation.
But my primary love language
tells me that your words of ‘affirmation’
just come out of your mouth in disguise.
So when you say,
”You’re never going to be good enough,”
my depression tells me that 
what you’re actually saying is,
“If you were different, then I’d love you.”

I have spent
my entire life
trying to be 'different’
just so that you would love me.
But different has always been
such an uncomfortable place
for me to sit and wait.
There is a seat with my name on it
here on the backburner,
while your name is on the stool at the bar.

I have spent
my entire life
waiting for happiness
to be dropped at my door step,
wrapped in a pretty bow.
But I move from home to home 
to home,
so these doorsteps are not actually mine
to call my own.

I have spent
my entire life
being infatuated with the idea
of someone loving me 
the way that I love them.
But my love does not come 
as a ‘one size fits most.’

I have spent
my entire life
worrying about tomorrows,
when the rest of today
may never come.
There have been so many days
where hot showers stung my skin, 
from trying to scrub away yesterdays.

I have spent
my entire life
so focused on not saying the wrong thing
that I haven’t said anything at all.
My voice has been raspy
for as long as I can remember
because when you died,
I lost the urge to speak.

I have spent
my entire life
thinking that I have spent
my entire life
already.

lousydrawingsforgoodpeople:

javarisx-fightingthosedemons:

(via loveyourlovelysoul)

lousydrawingsforgoodpeople:

lousydrawingsforgoodpeople:

thoughtkick:

“I hope one day we can forgive each other for not being what we wanted each other to be”

— Kriti G.

(via kayknown)

tinyhorror:

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loveyourlovelysoul:

Healing (being healed) doesn’t mean not being triggered anymore, deleting trauma from your life, no more falling into mind traps. It doesn’t mean you’ll be perfect once you’re done (there’s no such thing as “perfection”). You may still fall into old mental pattern occasionally, you may still have triggers here and there.

In fact, healing means recognizing and accepting your emotional reflexes and needs, so that you don’t have to let them take over cause you know you are the one in control. It means knowing you have other options to choose from when triggers hit you, that won’t have you ending up in a burnout, overthinking or feeling overwhelmed by everything. It means you know you can choose your thoughts and reactions freely, without having to depend on your traumatized mind and what it wants you to think/feel (even if to keep you safe).

(for more)

(via creatinghelen)

catherinegraffam:

‘motional’ - a self portrait from back in 2021. oil on wood, 5x7in